Once in a while I see something genuinely valuable on my social media news feed and last week it was this:
“They are going to talk about you anyway, so you might as well do what you want to do.”
I found this helpful and inspiring in a supremely practical way.
I have always been surprised at what I consider to be a glaring omission from the world of women’s leadership education…
Namely…
Practical tips on how to deal with it when people talk trash about you.
The reason it is a glaring omission is because people talk way more trash about women than they do about men.
For example, one study from researchers at the University of Amsterdam found that not only do female political candidates receive less media coverage than their male peers…
But the small amount of coverage they DO receive is much more likely to be negative, or damaging to their “viability” as a candidate.
Another study from the Yale School of Management found that women CEOs were judged MUCH more harshly for their mistakes than their male counterparts.
The study found that after a mistake, a male CEO’s approval rating dropped by about 10 points, while a woman’s approval rating dropped by 30 points.
With this in mind, I would like to offer you my top 10 tips for how to handle it when people speak ill of you. Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Trust it will happen.
As the research I shared above makes abundantly clear – if you have the audacity to be a woman who pursues her dreams and achieves success…you WILL receive your share of gossip, judgement and behind the back shade. The higher you rise and the more you put yourself out there, the more of it you will receive. This is a fact. Accept this fact and your suffering will lessen dramatically.
2. Know you are in good company.
When you do experience the negative talk, please know you are not alone. There are a WHOLE BUNCH of epic women in the arena alongside you. Think of us and our collective strength and know that while it can be crippling to handle criticism all alone, for our collective of brave women leaders, IT AIN’T NO THING.
3. Ignore the advice to ignore it.
Who are these people who can just ‘ignore’ things? Are you someone who can ignore? Please, tell us your “rise above” secrets.
Most of the outstanding and oft-criticized women I meet are humans and have feelings that can be hurt. If you are hurt, be hurt. Feel it deeply and completely. Only when you have truly felt the feelings of hurt, betrayal, shame, anger and confusion can you be prepared to release them.
I find that only after I have fully processed my feelings am I THEN (and only then!) prepared to review the criticism for any learnings. Sometimes there’s valuable insight in the criticism. Other times, it’s a pile of horsesh%*.
Regardless, first I feel, then I learn.
4. Be statistical about it.
For every 100 votes of support, you’ll receive one or two pieces of hurtful criticism. I have found this proportion stays roughly the same as your profile grows. So it might seem like you are getting more criticism but in reality, it’s just that more people know who you are. Stay close to the math and don’t let the statistically insignificant rock your boat too hard.
5. Keep a book of wins.
Keep a small notebook where you write down personal wins, triumphs, achievements etc. Refer to this as often as needed. Glory in how BIIIIIIG your book of wins is becoming.
6. Stay connected to your vision, purpose and big goals.
Judgement is always low vibe energy. Queens like us don’t combat low vibe energy with more low vibe energy (this is why you never engage a troll). Instead, remind yourself of your larger vision, purpose and big goals. This helps to keep you inspired, enthused, optimistic and in a high vibe place.
7. Listen to Nicki Minaj in moderation…
And rejoice in a woman who knows how to transform emotion and experience into art.
If you are feeling particularly laid low, my next level pro tip is to lip sync to Nicki Minaj in the mirror and be as expressive as you can possibly be.
I DARE YOU not to feel waaay better after that experience.
8. Know it gets easier.
Because it really does get easier. When you truly, truly understand that there is absolutely nothing you can do to win everyone over all the time, you will stop trying. When you truly allow people to be wrong about you without feeling the need to correct them, the burden dissipates. Life is much more fun this way.
9. Don’t be a part of the problem yourself.
If you are being honest with yourself, you know this one is easy in theory and really, really hard in practice. You will fail at this one constantly, but keep showing up for it, trying and re-trying every day to cut the gossip, watch your judgement of others, moderate your public criticism and be a true supporter of women’s excellence.
10. Celebrate yourself for being…to paraphrase Queen Beyonce, the “bi*#& who starts all this conversation.”
If you weren’t doing anything interesting, no one would think to speak badly about you.
There you have it – my 10 best, practical tips on how to handle those times when people talk trash about you.
Above all, remember that amount of perfect, kind, generous or seamless will keep you from experiencing this one, boo. I hope you find something useful in these tips, and that you keep leaning into your gifts and potential. Turn it ALL THE WAY UP no matter what they say.
I’ll be right there in the arena beside you.
If you are ready to scale up your company in 2021, and you’re looking for a powerful ally to coach, mentor and support you in this growth, I encourage you to apply to see if you qualify to work with me and Team Safi. Our coaching programs are deep, practical and ridiculously effective…as are the women we work with.